The end of February is approaching, and I’m filled with so much gratitude for all that’s been celebrated this month! Lunar New Year commenced as we joyously rang in the year of the Wood Dragon – I can already feel the abundance like never before!
My milestone birthday, of course, was a highlight… the recognition of love for Valentine’s Day… and the honoring of contributions from Black people in this country for Black History Month…
The energy has been riding high all month long!
And yet, with all of the happy celebratory vibes, I know many folks, myself included, who have also been deep in the woes of guilt, obligation, stress, dissatisfaction, anxiousness, and/or worry, for a multitude of reasons, and want to get out of that energy.
But of course, that can be much easier said than done. It can be difficult to make a change and pull yourself out of the drama…
Enter, my good friend, Life Coach Rachel Curran.
Rachel is our guest blogger for this week! And she will help you make the first steps of change by recognizing where you sit in The Drama Triangle. Enjoy the read, and be sure to give us your thoughts below (scroll down for more info about Rachel at the end of this post)!
Hello from Poland! 👋🏻🇵🇱
I come to you full of pierogies, vodka and Polish wine (who knew the wine here was so good! not me!)
This week my big bunch of legends I bring to you the Drama Triangle
- What is it
- How to identify yourself
- And most importantly, how to get out of it
Cheat Sheet: If you ever feel Guilty or Obligated there is a high chance you are dancing within the Drama Triangle
In the Drama Triangle…surprise surprise…there are 3 different roles:
- Rescuer
- Victim
- Prosecutor
To excel at life, we don’t want to be in any of these roles
The Drama Triangle is the source of most conflict in life
We instead want to be firmly outside of the Drama Triangle and in the Adult position
But first, let’s understand the Triangle itself…
The Drama Triangle looks like this…
Brass facts:
- We all hang out in all 3 roles
- No role is better or worse than the other
- Within one conversation we can (and do) move between roles
- We have one role that we spend most of our time in
*Inject caffeine into eyeballs and keep reading my good woman*
Rescuer Role AKA “Let me help you”
In a nutshell, somebody in this role feels compelled to jump in and “save” another from their current circumstance or feels obligated to help another
They constantly intervene on behalf of the Victim in an effort to save them
Key Characteristics:
- Overly helpful
- High need to save or “help” other person
- Likes to be needed (but will complain about it)
- Often feels Guilty
Key Action: Jumps in to save the Victim, offering solutions to the Victim’s circumstance
Key Problem:
- Their offering to “help” signals to Victim that they are not capable of helping themselves, thus keeping the Victim in the Victim role
- Avoids own problems
- Neglects own needs, feels like a human To Do list on rent out to anyone that needs help
Okaaaayyyy…next role
Victim Role AKA “Please save me”
Someone in this role feels trapped, helpless, and hopeless
Key Characteristics:
- They are at the mercy of life
- Unwilling to take responsibility to undesired circumstances
- Don’t think they have the power to change their lives
- See self as powerless or incompetent
Key Actions:
- Blame other people or circumstances for current situation
- Seek Rescuer to solve problem for them
Key Problem:
Can’t:
- Make decisions
- Solve problems
- Change their current state
- Find satisfaction from their actions to improve their life
Be honest…when do you hang out in this role? 🙊
And last but not least….
The Persecutor Role AKA “It’s all your fault”
Persecutors are kinda like strict critical parents who always think they are right
Oh yeah, and they need to win AKA Be Right!
Key Characteristics
- Great at blaming others & pointing the finger
- Critical
- Good at finding fault
- High need for control and order
- Rigid AF
- Bully energy
Key Actions:
- Blame the Victims
- Criticise the behavior of the Rescuers
- Provide no appropriate guidance on circumstance
Key Problem:
Keep Victims oppressed
The Persecutor, the least socially accepted Role…however we alllllll fly this flag at some point
This is one of those things that I could write a book about (and many have!), if you are intrigued, and want to find out more, I recommend this YouTube video!
Ok now how do you get out of it?
You want to move from the Drama Triangle to the Empowerment Triangle which looks like this…
And then if we slap one Triangle over the other…
When we identify ourselves in the Drama Triangle, we can see exactly what role we need to adopt instead…
IRL, here are the key actions and questions that help you move from Drama City to Empowerment
How to go from Rescuer to Coach:
Provide support rather than enabling Victimhood by asking : “How will you do it?” ….then shutting the hell up!
Encourage and challenge the person in Victim to find their own solutions
How to go from Victim to Creator:
Choose your response to life’s circumstances
“How will I respond to my current circumstance?”
Focus on solutions and outcomes, not the weight of what is holding you back
How to go from Persecutor to Challenger:
Instead of applying blame, consciously build up and encourage others
Be firm but fair.
For example: “If you keep your side of the bargain, I can keep mine.”
I want to remind you that these roles are deeply embedded in your psyche, go easy on yourself, and expect yourself to keep finding yourself in the Drama Triangle
You ain’t gonna change overnight
What matters the most, is that you recognize, and step out of it
The goal is Growth, not Perfection!
Have a great Tuesday people.
You got this. 💪🏻
Lots of love,
Rachel ❤️
Rachel is a Master coach, podcast host, facilitator and TEDx speaker with over 7 years of experience specializing in female success and embodiment. She spent the first decade of her career working within international Investment Banks and Wealth firms based across both London and New York, and now specializes in supporting high-achieving women helping them get out of their heads so they can make clear decisions, stop people-pleasing, trust their intuition and powerfully lead. Rachel is a licensed Master NLP Practitioner, holds a Diploma in Personal Performance Coaching accredited by the Internal Coaching Federation, is a certified Master Elementum Coach, has spent a year studying the effects of Patriarchy on women under Dr. Valerie Rein, and co-founder of The B.O.L.D. Method. She incorporates elements of Somatic work, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Human Psychology, Masculine & Feminine energy, Breathwork, Sexual Embodiment, Parts Therapy, Inner Child work, Paradigms, Emotional Release, and Mindfulness into her work to ensure long-lasting sustainable change for her clients. Rachel is a regular contributor to CIO.com, has been featured on various podcasts across the UK and the US, and has been a featured guest speaker at various retreats across the US and Canada. Rachel believes that the more unapologetic a woman can show up in the workplace, relationships and life, the bigger the benefit for all.
If you are committed to your own personal growth and want to explore working with Rachel to support you, schedule a complimentary Discover Your Path call. During this call, Rachel will offer a thorough coaching diagnosis, pinpointing your roadblocks, and crafting a personalized plan tailored to your unique journey. This conversation also serves as a chance to determine if this partnership aligns with your needs. You can book your complimentary Discover Your Path Call here.
You can also stay connected to Rachel through her email list and her podcast, Get Out of Your Head with Rachel Curran (available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify).
Oof, #RealTalk, right?! But that's what we need sometimes to get us out of the drama and back into a connected relationship with ourselves so we can contribute to the world the way we really want to. Change is hard. Even if it's good change. And I'm here supporting you all the way!
With lots of Love & GRATITUDE,
If your drama is having a major impact on your finances and the relationship with your significant other, your communication may need some help. And my Couple's Guide to Finances is the perfect resource for that. Grab the guide now!